Confidence is an Inside Game
The Most Powerful Way to Navigate the Dating World
Lying on our olive green couch, I starred out the window at the naked winter trees. There was a hollowness in my body. I had just finished chemotherapy. My mother had passed just four months prior. My hair was awkwardly growing back. My skin was covered in peach fuzz like a newborn baby. My heart felt lonely. I yearned for the arms of a loving, strong, safe and confident man to hold me tightly. To be my prince charming and make sure nothing bad would ever happened to me again. [Spoiler alert: You are your own prince charming. No one is here to save you, but that is a post for another time.]
Even though I wanted to welcome love and companionship into my life, I was damn strict about who I would let in.
My whole system just experienced a lot of trauma. Every part of me felt sensitive. Even though I had a strong physical facade of a body, I felt vulnerable on the inside. Grief still flowed through my veins. I felt my protective parts hold a shield around my heart. My internal body had the energy of a cat— very particular about who I cuddled next to.
My need for connection inspired me to dust off the internal cobwebs of the neon sign that flashed “closed” for so long. I now wanted it to flash “open.” I wanted the world to know my energy was able to be shared. I was unthawing from self-preservation.
As a young woman, I was conditioned to believe the female appearance is what makes you desirable. I no longer could rely on my flowing voluminous brown hair or my sexy backside to catch the eyes of male suitors. The idea of flirting while my hair was growing back in fuzzy patches felt like a joke. My skin was cancer pale. My eyebrows thin. Instead of leaning on my external strengths, I knew I had to dig deep from the inside out to let my light shine bright.
My focus turned towards energy. The thing about energy is it is so subtle, yet extremely palpable if you are paying attention. My body was already sensitive, but my meditation practice helped me pay attention to the energy around me and inside of me. I got to notice what felt pleasant, healing and life giving all the way to what felt draining and destructive.
I focused my attention on what was life giving as a way to recharge my batteries and move out of survival mode into thriving mode. Everything from what I fed myself to the people I surrounded myself with to how I spent my time and moved my body. Essentially everything I discuss in my book, 100 Mindful Moments to Balance & Energize. Within three months I was glowing form the inside out. I felt confidence in my spine. I felt my female warrior ignite—this survivor who can figure it out and go after what she wants. Nothing was going to rock me because I felt fully embodied and solid.
One night out at a bar with my friends, I locked eyes with this cute guy from across the bar. I could see he was trying to order a drink. My friend happened to be bartending that night so I got his attention to serve the cutie I was making eyes with. We later started chatting and hit it off. I felt safe around him. Curious. Playful. Joyful. So many emotions I hadn’t felt in years. Not just because the dopamine was pumping through my brain, but it felt good to share my light and for my light to be witnessed. I felt I was actually attracting men I wanted in my life instead of assholes or guys who didn’t have their sh*t together.
This evening rewired my beliefs about what it meant to radiate. Fast forward a few years, I heard this quote:
“Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality.”
I know now a days we hear the words manifest, but for me I always come back to energy as a guiding source. Are you intentionally cultivating the energy you want to be and see in the world?
Once you can tap into the vibrations it is like living from a whole new perspective. There is more ease, trust and flow. My heart feels open without fear. Do I live from this high frequency all the time? Hell no because I am still human. However, I know where this energy lives and I can tap back into when I have lost it.
I share this story because dating anxiety has been a theme in my coaching session with clients recently. The anxiety is real. The uncertainty. The fear of rejection. The ambiguity. The shape shifting. The ghosting. The game playing. The whole experience can be a roller coaster. Take a listen to the recent Centered in the City Podcast episode if you want to dive deeper: Dating Anxiety: How to Stop Overthinking and Trust Yourself.
That’s why I invite my clients to come back to noticing their energy. Not getting wrapped up in the energy of others, but dating from a place of self-trust instead of looking to the world for clues if they are good enough. Harnessing and connecting to your own energy is the sexiest action you can take.
Noticings Practice:
This week, focus on noticing your energy. Use my framework of the Mindful hand of Self-Care to guide you.
Pick a finger (aka a theme) to focus on for the week. This could be your mindset, fuel, movement, space or renewal.
2. Ask yourself, what would give me energy? I am not talking about the quick fix dopamine energy. I am talking about making choices that support your highest self. Choices that help you glow from the inside out. They might be harder or uncomfortable choices in the moment, but you know they will lasting positive benefits for your future.
ie. Space = Buying beautiful flowers for the week. Maybe your present self thinks that you shouldn’t spend the money. However, your highest self knows the $20 is worth it for the lasting impact for the week.
ie. Fuel = Maybe your mind thinks that slice of cake would give you energy in the now. But your highest self knows it is only a dopamine hit in the now. So you opt for a delicious cookie that you can savor and make last for a few days.
ie. Movement = You sign up for that salsa class you have always wanted to do even if you feel nervous about doing something new.
ie. Renewal = You give yourself permission to put the phone down for the day and have no plans. It might feel uncomfortable, but you let your body rest and stay intuitive about how you want to spend your time.
Notice how it feels to give yourself what you need and want.
Keep this up for a few weeks and notice what starts to shift in your life when you focus on filling your cup. Watch how the energy ripples outwards and you becoming an even brighter light in this world.
Share your noticings with me.
“The thing about energy is it is so subtle” — yes. This landed deeply.
As someone who has practiced and taught Reiki for many years, I appreciate how you describe energy without turning it into something abstract or performative.
Sometimes it is simply the quiet information of the body, the nervous system, and the heart telling us where we feel safe enough to open again.
Your reflection on confidence after such a vulnerable chapter feels very real. I especially appreciated the distinction between closing to protect ourselves and slowly learning how to open with discernment.
Thank you for sharing this with such honesty. 🙏
I'm not in the dating world these days, Wade, but I still see the application of this wisdom in how I show up in my daily life. Am I projecting the energy with which I want to be met? That's a great centering question before entering into any engagement with others. Notice our energy. Choose what we want to be feeling, and shift it if it's not what we want to experience in the situation.