On the auspicious new moon and eclipse a few weeks, a group of women gathered in a Death Doula space in Chinatown, LA. Becca, a long-time friend and now Death Doula, and I hosted a Spring Intention Journaling workshop.
The theme of the workshop explored the juxtaposition of winter and spring. Death and rebirth. Letting go and blossoming. One of the journaling prompts asked us to explore: “What needs to ‘die’ or be ‘let go of’ in order to have space for something to ‘bloom’?”
While we journaled by candle light to the curated prompt, an epiphany washed over me. I noticed feelings of anger and resentment bubble in my heart.
My jaw clenched.
Sensations of hot tingles and restriction took over my arms and chest.
I could feel my fingers grip my pen tighter.
This prompt activated an internal pump that let the debris of years of anger be released from scar tissues of hurt and disappointment. The emotions flowed through my chest and arms, ready to be liberated on my paper. Yet before I could release the complete emotional expression a little voice inside said, “Oh you don’t feel that way. Everything is ok.”
The emotional body slung forward and backwards—whiplashed. A clog, jammed the natural flow of emotions ready to be let out. Energy felt trapped inside of me. I was gaslighting myself!
I kept writing on the page of my journal let it go. Let go of the anger. Let go of the resentment. Permission to feel and release all of the dead leaves, holding be back from allowing what’s next to bloom.
My heart so badly wanted to set the anger free. I wanted to scream and start shaking my body, but as one of the facilitators, I knew this wasn’t the space or the time. Mentally, I could feel myself notice and let go of these thoughts. Yet somatically, anger lingered beneath the surface of my skin, ready and waiting to be freed. I compassionately held these insights with awe, curiosity and tender care.
Until this moment, I had no idea how much anger brewed inside of me. I went home that evening feeling a need to explode, but I didn’t feel I had the appropriate space to process my anger. I didn’t want to wakeup a sleeping house by screaming into a pillow. So I slept with it—telling myself, “I see and feel you. I promise I will figure out how to let this go.”
The next day, I went to yoga and requested poses to process anger. We did a lot of twisting to detoxify the liver, which according to Chinese medicine is where anger is stored in the body. I added in many Lion Breaths to release energy and tension in the jaw.
It became clear to me, this practice of releasing anger would need to stick around for awhile until the internal pressure stabilized. Until I can release the clog and restore the natural flow of life.
Anger is a normal emotion, yet, in Western North American Culture, we aren’t taught how to express it. Anger usually gets expressed on the extreme ends of a spectrum. We either hold onto our anger—letting it get buried deep within the cells and tissues of our body. Growing resentment like it’s mold. Masking our true feelings with a smile. Or we express anger in reactive harmful ways through thoughts, words or violent actions to self and others. Especially as a white woman, I see I am conditioned to not “rock the boat.” Anger is an emotion I am not supposed to express and if I do, self-judgment and shame arises.
However, the more I sit with the anger that is present, I discover how nuanced it is. There are flavors of sadness, hurt, disappointment and rage. I hoped on my sister’s Peloton bike thinking I can just sweat out the anger—pedaling as fast and as hard as I can, pushing my output past 265. After a heart throbbing 45-minute Hills & Interval ride, I stood in a puddle of sweat. My body felt depleted. My hearth beat outside my skin. Yet the anger still throbbed.
That’s when I realized I need to just be with the anger. Allowing all of the shades of expression to be here. Not shaming, judging or needing to “fix” what’s present. I get to fully accept what’s here.
In order to help meet the anger with a more gentle approach, I started to incorporate a few somatic breathing techniques into my morning and evening rituals to keep the emotion in motion. Just like when you get a splinter, you give it some targeted pressure to come to the surface. Hopefully it comes out. Yet if it doesn’t fully release, you’ve moved it enough to the surface that it will eventually make it’s way out of the body on it’s own time. Every now and again, giving it another tender soap water soak and squeeze to lovingly lead it in the right direction.
That’s where I am in my journey. Meeting the pain with a daily intention to feel, heal and release.
If you are curious to process and release your own shades of anger…
Check out somatic breathing techniques here.
Listen to the Centered in the City Podcast’s most recent episode.
Like always, share with me what you are noticing.