Mean Girled at the Age of 34
Personal Story & Guided Meditation Practice
I can finally feel joy in my heart. This was not the case for the last seven months of 2023. My inner-world got rocked in ways I didn’t know were possible as an adult. The closest experience I can equate it to was being mean girled in middle school. Did that ever happen to you?
The 7th ad 8th grade were peak puberty time. My group of girlfriends would alternate who we’d gang-up on. We’d be like vultures subtly circling within our own girlfriend clique, watching and waiting for someone to do something that would make one of us jealous, annoyed or hurt. There would be three phases to this operation.
First, we’d collect data. We’d four-way call a friend while one of us stayed silent on the phone as we tried to catch them in a lie or talking about the silent friend behind their back.
The second phase was icing the targeted person out. They’d get the silent treatment at school, not be invited to sleepovers or to hangout after school.
The final phase of the kill would include the four of us ganging up on the targeted friend all at once. We’d call a meeting during school hours where the singled out friend would sit on one side and the rest of us would sit on the other side. A firehose of verbal complaints would be thrown out in this person’s face and all they could do was eat it. Some complaints included personal attacks that had nothing to do with any social incident. For example: “your eye brows are too bushy” or “we hate how good at math you are.” When I was in the inner circle, I felt engorged with power, but when it was my turn to get gained-up on, it was possibly one the worst gut wrenching experiences.
I couldn’t tell you what spurred my turn to be exiled or how the “wake” unfolded, but afterwards I felt like a dead carcass. When I was in the hot seat of the final phase, I felt my nervous system shut down. My body contracted in a freeze state as chills ran up and down my spine. I wanted to curl into a protective fetal position. The ground beneath me disappeared. Nausea filled the central column of my stomach and throat. I felt isolated. Rejected. Mis-understood. The shakiness lasted weeks and the experience was so awful I promised myself I would never talk badly about friends behind their back or be a mean girl again.
A modern adult version of being mean girled happened to me in 2023. I felt gained up on—called out in a public forum in a painful manner. There was truth to the feedback shared AND how they shared it was destructive.
The ground beneath me shook which sent PTSD vibrations into my nervous system. This rupture spewed shame all over my internal and external self. My ego cracked, trying to rationalize: “How am I, a mindfulness life coach, creating this much deep seated anger and pain for others?” I questioned everything. Who am I? What relationships do I value? What does family mean? What impact does culture and environment have? What personal wounds and healing do I need to take personal responsibility of? How can I be a better communicator? How do I want to show up as a human in this world?
For over 6 months, it was hard to feel joy. My body was stuck in a freeze stress reaction which rippled into other areas of my life. I put my business on pause for a few months because I couldn’t hold space for other people. I tried to muster energy and enthusiasm for my podcast, which was challenging at times. Shame made me re-evaluate everything.
As Brené Brown, the Queen researcher of shame shares: “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” When I received the mean girl feedback, the harmful words and manner created a distorted house of mirror image. Reflections of myself that didn’t feel like myself were placed around and inside of me. For months, I felt trapped by these reflections—not knowing where to turn or how to get out of this “fun house.” I had to feel it. I had to surrender to the discomfort. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized I got to choose what I see instead of the stories ruminating in my mind.
After months of sitting, sniffing and exploring the shame shit I was standing in with my therapist, friends, and my journal; I felt a choice point. I could spiral further down into the darkest corners of my mind, letting shame and disconnection take over. Or I could reconnect to my inner goodness and let that light lead me through this dark time. I choice the latter. I was able to shut off the “shame shower” I was drowning in and let joy back into my heart. To rebuild my inner constitution, I needed time, space, and a slower pace. I followed the tiny spark of light to get me through the darkness. Finding that tiny spark of light is a practice called, Taking in the Good.
Taking in the Good is a concept I learned from psychologist Rick Hanson. It’s a subtle and yet potent practice if we can pay attention to it. Taking in the good means we slow down for 20-30 seconds to fully receive (or receive as much as we can) something that feels pleasant. This could be a compliment that a friend just gave you. Maybe a delicious bite of a croissant. Hearing the sweet birds chirp outside. Sensing the warmth of a yummy hug from a loved one. Taking in the good invites us to slow down and fully receive the nourishing moments of life.
We are conditioned to move so fast we miss all of these sweet moments that can restore our batteries and open our hearts. I like to to equate it to eating a meal. If we don’t slow down to enjoy each bite and fully chew, we typically want more afterwards because it takes 10 or so minutes for the stomach and brain to communicate. We don’t feel full or satiated because we haven’t let the “good” of the nutrients be absorbed. I notice I do this all of the time. I will rush through eating lunch and then feel unsatisfied so I will grab a handful of nuts and chocolate chips and keep snacking until I feel the sensation of too full. Taking in the Good invites us to slow down to savor. To fully receive.
Practicing Taking in the Good reconnected me to my own internal goodness. I forgot what the sweet nectar of pleasantness tased like. I was so starved for the warmth and beauty of life because for so long I felt I didn’t deserve it. And that’s what story shame can trap you in. It can dehydrate the joy and the ability to feel safe and belonged to.
My nervous system was still recovering from it’s freeze reaction. She was so sensitive that staying open to take in the good felt vulnerable, yet I knew it was what I needed to build internal resilience. I lowered the wall of protection and tuned my spidey senses towards receiving. Standing at a street corner waiting to cross, I felt the warmth of the sunshine through the buildings and land on my face. Instead of noticing it and walking on by, I paused. I lingered. Feet on the ground, arms by my side and my chin lifted at 45 degree angle. I soaked in the warm healing rays like a sponge for 30 seconds. I breathed in the goodness into my cells. Into my heart. I discerned how much I could soak in without feeling like a vampire striving to squeeze every last bit of goodness out of the moment.
I’d walk into the park and hear kids’ laughter and screams as they played tag around the jungle gym. I’d keep walking, yet make an internal note with a smile in order to receive their contagious exuberance. I’d listen to a voice note a girlfriend left me and pause to savor the gift of soulful friendship before moving on to check my email. While roasting vegetables in the kitchen, I’d sprinkling red cabbage, onions and carrots onto a baking sheet and pause to marvel at the beautiful color combo. I’d say to myself, “Wow. How did nature make these colors!”
Taking in the good gently pumped oxygen back into my life like a flat bicycle tire being restored. I felt re-invigorated with more aw and wonder. Not just from a mindset perspective, but from an embodied place. My inner constitution gained more grounded strength to keep showing up.
In a world where it can feel nasty and unbearable at times for various reasons, may we all continue to pause and take in the good. May we all feel our resilience so that we can keep showing up.
Join me for a guided meditation practice to receive joy and take in the good.