Surf the People Pleasing Urge
A personal story and guided meditation to help us surf anxious urges
I have to admit, I am just realizing how much of a “people pleaser” I can be. How some anxious attachment tendencies are affecting my relationships.
I always knew there was a human tendency of mine to want to be liked—to look good and be accepted by others. Which is completely normal since humans are social creatures and we naturally want to be accepted into the “pack.” However, last month, opened my eyes to all the small and larger ways anxiety influences my need to please and feel secure.
For instance, Christmas morning, I woke up in a festively decorated home and saw the Christmas stockings overflowing with goodies. I smelled a cheesy omelette and bacon sizzling on the stove top. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee in the air. The cozy stillness of “family time” and celebration was palpable as the whole world felt shutdown and still. There was full permission to do nothing.
Filled with the “cozy Christmas spirit,” I noticed an urge to joyfully call some family members and wish them a merry Christmas while texting others a short sweet message. I got to one group text in my phone in particular that gave me pause. My gut said, “leave them be.” But my mind said, “you should say something.” I tried to understand the conflicting voices in my mind so I asked myself:
“Am I sending this message because I genuinely want to spread the joyful holiday spirit their way?
Am I reaching out because I know they’d value the kind wishes and I want them to feel loved and cared for?
Am I texting them because it feels like a have to…like the “polite” thing to do?
Or am I texting them because I fear what will happen if I don’t? Will they think worse of me. ”
In the midst of paralysis analysis, I leaned into my core value of love. I said to myself, “The world needs more love. Act from love.”
I texted them a concise, “Merry Christmas” with a Christmas tree emoji.
“Phew,” I thought to myself. “Done with that. Let’s move on.”
However, the next day, I felt yucky. I felt disingenuous. I realized, I wanted to act from my value of love, but there wasn’t much juicy love for these people. Our relationship has been complicated. I was making an effort because I felt I “should” be saying something, not because it was a genuine feeling. Fear was also present. I feared if I didn’t say anything, it would be used against me and take me further down the ranks of being accepted.
There it is. The people pleasing urge. The urge to care for other’s feelings over mine. The need to be accepted by these people.
Part of my mission in life is to make people feel seen and heard. However, I am realizing this has turned into taking on some of the responsibility for how people feel, which is unskillful. I lose my personal power. Some where in my psyche I have confused my desire to help people feel seen, heard and cared for with this ability to act from anxious urges to please. I put the desire and hope for them to feel good and feel seen over my own needs, wants and authentic expressions.
I took a walk with this emotional hangover and tried to get more curious. I noticed the hangover ached inside my gut.
“Yuck,” I said to myself. Rubbing my tongue against the roof of my mouth, trying to swallow the flavors of regret that lingered. I acted against my other values of honesty and authenticity. I wasn’t being true to myself. I let this anxious impulse drive my behavior.
In that moment, the sun peaked out through the gray Seattle clouds and shined on my face. I paused. The cold cement infiltrated through the rubber in my sneakers. I felt a light chilly breeze brush through the air-holes in my shoes. I closed my eyes and let the warmth of the rays hold me. As I paused, I realized I could continue to swirl in this pool of regret that could dangerous lead to a shameful headline story in my mind that “I am a bad person” or I could give myself grace. I could choose to learn from this experience and move forward.
I chose the latter.
I rested in the sun rays. I closed my eyes and put my hand on my heart. I knew people in the park were probable wondering, “What is this woman doing?” But I didn’t care.
I internally whispered to myself: “I see this is causing you pain, sweetheart. May I feel it. May I let it be here knowing I am not the only person who is hurting because of unskillful interpersonal communication during the holidays. May I know I am human and I am doing the best I can to act in alignment with my values. May I know I am loved and safe.”
I lingered in the warmth of these words for a few moments—letting the good be received by my cells, my nervous system, my heart and my brain. Self-compassion is a love balm for the wounds (big and small) that appear. It is a tender way to meet unskillful urges and impulses that conditioning has wrapped us in.
The “feed-forward” lesson for me becomes listen to my body. Trust her wisdom. She knows the way. If there is a tingling anxious veil, it is probable informing me to slow down even more before I act. I get to trust there is enough time to respond. I get to “surf” the people pleasing urge so that I can stay connected to my body and respond with more authentic choice.
What anxious urges do you notice are present in your life? Maybe you notice your own people pleasing tendencies showing up at work when you respond to emails or slack notifications? Maybe an anxious urge arises to feel comfort so you grab another cookie? Maybe the anxious urge to not feel alone arises so you open your go-to social media app and scroll for connection?
Whatever it may be, know you are not alone. We all have anxious urges. May we notice these anxious impulses with care and learn to act with more wise intention.
Join me for a guided meditation practice on surfing the anxious urges that arise in our human experience.