The Capacity To Be With What Is
Damn it is Hard...Personal Story and Guided Meditation
I’m noticing heaviness in my shoulders and spine. The echoey dark cavity in my chest feels familiar. When I pause to investigate these sensations further, I recognize emotions of grief, hopelessness, apathy and anger linger. A cocktail of emotions I haven’t felt this intensely since the aftermath of my shit storm in January, 2011.
My mind takes me back to a memory. It was winter in New York City. A month after finishing chemotherapy. I remember sitting around the round mahogany wood dinner table in my mom’s apartment. My dad and brother sat on the maroon velvety chairs staring at me with empathy. I’m slouched over the table. My arms crossed. I felt hopelessness in my spine. “Will life ever get better?” I blurted out with tears in my eyes.
I could taste how close I was to completing my final year of college credits to graduate. I was on my way to a clear bill of health. My hair was slowly growing back—still uneven and short, one might even call it a mullet. But short fresh wavy healthy hair was replacing the bald spots. My body was full of peach fuzz like a newborn child. Even with it being winter, my skin was gaining back a normal glow—masking the cancer patent pale yellow hue that was prominent the last few months.
I felt physically strong. Yet, my heart ached because I knew I didn’t want to be in New York any longer. I begged the universe for a break. Nothing felt easy. Here I was, at the finish line of huge milestones—beating cancer, morning my mother’s passing and on my way to graduate college. I could feel life shifting into a new phase.
My vision of going back to Buenos Aires felt closer than ever before, yet it wasn’t happening fast enough. My therapist told me I was putting too much pressure on myself to make this moment in my life “special.” I hated the idea of feeling like I as wasting a year of my life. I wanted to turn my sh*t storm into wisdom to help others.
My emotional body and mental health felt fragile. Swinging from good days where I felt confident and stimulated to unpleasant days where I was eating my loneliness. Loneliness felt like a vampire sucking the joy out of life. I couldn’t turn to anyone for support out of fear of being abandoned or disappointed. My system felt so sensitive that it felt safer to close myself off from people than to reach out.
Ever since I had to unexpectedly leave Buenos Aires in May, 2010 to go back home to New York City for chemotherapy treatment, my soul yearned to return to latin culture. A culture I always felt was more in alignment with my spirit—warm, sensual, playful, rooted in family, food and friends. Time is spent enjoying the simple moments in life.
Bringing my attention back to my feet, I re-ground into this present moment. Here I am, June, 2024 in Seattle. Staring outside my window on a beautiful spring morning. Thirteen years have gone by, yet the feelings and emotions feel so familiar.
I pause to get curious. What are you here to teach me, emotions?
My needs of stimulation, creativity, community, warmth come alive. If I could meet these needs, I would feel more in alignment with my heart and soul.
I close my eyes and I see myself living and growing a family in southern Spain. These images make my soul sparkle and my heart filled with warmth. When I think of staying in Seattle and continuing to live the life I am living, the blood flow in my body feels stagnant. There is no qi. I feel stuck. So ready for the next chapter of life. I can taste it coming. Not sure what it will look like, but I can feel the winds of change shifting. And yet, it’s not happening fast enough.
I breathe this vision in and out of my heart—feeling it come alive in my body. Yet, trying to not white knuckle it and live on delusional island. I’ve been there before. It is beautiful. Everything you could ever want. But the trip back to earth is bumpy and harsh. Keeping myself grounded in reality is necessary. It’s a challenge to hold a vision for the future and yet train our attention to be right here in the present moment, especially when it doesn’t feel pleasant. Having capacity to sit with the unpleasantness and grief of life is part of the work of being fully human.
I tenderly place my hand on my heart where I feel dead inside and whisper to myself, “Right now, it is just like this, sweetie pie. We will get through this together.”
If you you want support facing unpleasant emotions, listen to this guided meditation.
What are you noticing right now….
What emotions and physical sensations are present for you?
If you pause to get curious about them, what are they here to teach you?
Share with me your insights in a DM or in the comments below. May we support each other navigating the ups and downs and twist and turns of life.