The Flea Bites of Time Anxiety
Noticing our relationship to time and what we want to do about it
I am about to turn thirty-five years old. It feels like a big birthday! A big milestone in the aging and adulting process. Yet, I don’t feel like I am thirty-five. Despite the large amounts of gray hair coming in. I feel like a kid. This is a strange feeling for me as someone who grew up feeling like an old soul. I used to say I was eighteen going on fifty. Here I am. Thirty-five going on twenty-three? Maybe my soul age and my actual age passed each other while I was sleeping. Either way, this birthday is giving me pause to notice my relationship to time.
The concept of time feels contradictory. My mental frameworks straddle my education in the mindfulness and life coaching fields. Training as a meditation teacher and student inspires me to practice taking this moment, this day as the measurement of time. Why think or worry about the past or the future? I can’t control either of them. Yet, my training as a life coaching is rooted in life visions—connecting people to their authentic life desires. Helping them bridge the gap of where thy are now and where they want to be.
My attention vacillates from an open lens of awareness—seeing and experiencing the concept of time from future visions to bringing my attention back to the present with focused attention on this moment. On this day. On this list of “get-to-dos.” On this conversation. On this one step I can take.
Woven into my trained mental frameworks, there lies deeper personal beliefs about time. One of the greatest gifts I learned while studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina is that time can be spacious. There is no need to rush. A very different mindset than what I grew up in as a New Yorker.
In Buenos Aires, even though it is a bustling city, the whole day is expansive enough for people to work and have a proper lunch away from a computer. They connect with a friend afterwork for merienda (snack time), head to the gym and be home by 8:30 pm to make dinner. Culturally the belief is that things will unfold on their own time. This spaciousness creates a rhyme where people can be more present with one another. One where you can be right where you are without thinking about what’s next in your calendar. This rhythm inspired me to enjoy. To savor. To rest back into the moment.
Yet, also imbedded in my mental framework are beliefs influenced by being a cancer survivor. Touching a scary health diagnosis taught me how short life is. I must live now. Enjoy now. Do now. Only agree to spend time engaged in what I love and with people I love. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Everything I do in this moment has a impact.
This discernment of how I spend my time can easily breed anxiety. Internal thoughts spiral and judge my actions—wondering if I am “doing enough.” As the owner of my own business, I am the only one who can give that feedback. Am I making the “right” decisions on how to prioritize time. When I give myself the gift of being present and not worrying about the endless tasks to get done, am I hurting my future self?
Goals I hoped I’d accomplish by this age blow away in the wind. Increasing the intense reality that time is ticking. The aging and adulting process continues. My fallopian tubes knock on the doors of my ovaries reminding me decisions of becoming a mother need to be made. Accepting the past is in the rear view mirror is essential. Instead of letting the fleas of time anxiety bite, all I can do is notice and learn from the past in order to inspire how I want to be in relationship to time moving forward. That’s all I realistically have control over.
If you are curious to notice and learn about your relationship to time, I welcome you to join in me in a few activities:
Grab your journal and write down your personal beliefs about time. (Ie. time is short. There is never enough time. I am a victim to time etc). If you can dig deeper and label where these beliefs come from, even better.
Keeping digging. Ask yourself, what beliefs do I want to hold around time? (ie. Trust the unfolding of time, even when I feel impatient. There is enough time to prioritize what is important to me. Time is my best friend etc).
What lessons have you learned about time that you want to remind your future self? (ie. I always have the power to choose how I want to spend my time. No matter how hard I try, I can’t control time so keep my focus on my action steps, not the calendar year. etc).
Create a “The Reverse Bucket List” (coined by
)—highlighting milestones you have accomplished in your past. This practice celebrates your former self and inspires your present and future self.
Share with me below what insights unfold for you. What new beliefs around time you are ready to embody. What does that feel like?