What's the Secret Ingredient for Growth?
How often do you stretch outside of your comfort zone?
Recently, I’ve been exploring this question for myself. I’ve felt stuck in various aspects of my life. So naturally, I’ve walked myself through a process that I support my coaching clients with: pausing, zooming out to explore where I am and where I want to go. I get to recognize the gaps and gain insights of where more balance and alignment are needed.
In designing my next experiment sprint (a method I learned from
in Pivot Method) I ask myself: “How much do I want to challenge myself outside of my comfort zone?” Curiosity lingers under the surface: “Maybe I need to challenge myself in order to give an electrical charge so that the blood starts pumping back into my life and business?”We often hear, especially in the self-development world, “If you aren’t challenging yourself, you aren’t growing?” I am curious to know, how much do you believe in this sentiment?
Personally, I believe if we aren’t growing, we are dying. Yet, I think the word growth holds connotations and beliefs worth unpacking. Sometimes when I hear the word growth, it can feel scary and exciting at the same time. My body’s first response might be, “oh that sounds uncomfortable.” Being a creature of comfort like many humans, many Tauruses, comfortable is cozy. My nervous system tells me a story that if comfort is cozy then anything out of my comfort zone is not pleasant. However, I know that to not be true. Growth can also be invigorating. Like a big expansive fresh breath of possibilities. Growth can be a playful adventure into the unknown. Growth can also be gentle and steady.
Everything that is living has a rhythm of growth and death. It is part of the natural cycle of life. Flowers grow from a seed, blossom, wilt, decay and go back into the earth to be recycled and brought to life in a different form.
Are we as humans naturally growing even if we aren’t challenging ourselves?
Cambridge Dictionary defines challenge as “something that needs great mental or physical effort in order to be done successfully and therefore tests a person's ability.” In my desire to grow, I ask myself, am I looking for a shot of serotonin to build confidence? Am I looking for a fresh perspective? Do I feel I need to grow because I am comparing myself to other flowers in the garden—thinking I need to be taller to stand out?
What would happen if we culturally believed we are constantly growing as humans just as we are? We don’t need to be put in extreme conditions to grow. The natural soil in which we are planted can be challenging enough.
This feels contradictory to the marketing we receive in North American Western culture. The image of a Drill Sergeant yelling at you to do things harder and faster to push push push yourself to “greatness.” Or the modern day image of a Berry’s Boot Camp instructor yelling at you int he “Red Room” to run faster than you think you can. We can grow and reach new goals, beyond what the mind and body thinks is possible, not necessarily from challenging ourselves, but from believing in ourselves.
I think what we really need to support growth is not challenge, but self-compassion. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff demonstrates how self-compassion is more impactful in building resilience than growing our self-esteem. Yet, one of the misconceptions I hear the most from students and clients around the practice of self-compassion is: “If I am compassionate to myself, I won’t push myself as hard and therefore won’t reach my goals.” This doesn’t have to be true.
Self-compassion can be a booster of “belief fuel” to help you maintain stability and stamina as you reach your goals. Self-compassion keeps you hydrated as you run the race—reminding you of your innate worthiness. Self-compassion as soft and loving as it sounds can also be fierce. There is a protective sacred quality. Neff refers to this type of self-compassion as “Mama Bear energy.” Embodying tender and fierce aspects of self-compassion helps us claim our own worthiness from the inside out.
What I truly need in this moment of revitalization is more self-compassion. Permission to feel my own worthiness. To come back home to my center. I don’t need to design a sprint with a stretchy goal and let external feedback let me know if I am capable. Instead, I need to meet my own heart first and remind myself of my own capability. From this seed, anything can grow.
When you want support growing, take a Self-Compassion Break with me here.
Share your thoughts with me in the comments or send me a DM.
What are you noticing about your relationship to growth? To challenging yourself outside your comfort zone?
What supports you believing in yourself?